Help needed

Yummy Mummy · 03-07-2005, 08:26 AM

Sorry guys, but I need a male perspective here and thought this was the best place to get it from. I do not understand the way a male mind works, and have given up trying.

The problem is, I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks. He lives 3 and a half hours away, so that is the first problem. Could be the best relationship as we can't live in each others pockets and only see each other every second weekend, or the worst, as the distance could become a bit of a problem.

The main problem is, that everything was fantastic until last week when his dad passed away suddenly. He is understandably devastated and I have made sure I have given him space, and let him come to me when he needs to talk. (which has usually been at 3 or 4 in the morning) What he is now saying, is that he doesnt want me to take a gamble on him because his mind is so $@#* at the moment, and he thinks it would be selfish of him to ask me to be there for him now, and go through this with him, hence he is trying to end the relationship.

He said his feelings for me haven't changed, but he has no idea where his life is now headed and he doesnt think it is fair for me to be taken for the ride. I said I didnt mind, and he said he wants me to be there, but he is just so confused. I have no idea how to help him through this.

Sorry to dump this, but has anyone been through a similar situation, or know how to help someone grieve through the loss of a parent?

Yaw · 03-07-2005, 08:33 AM

Wow,
I don't know that sounds "coucher" (sorry if that is spelt incorrectly).
This is just my opinion and may not be what you want to hear.
If my parent/parents died I would want to be around those that I love the most for comfort. To me it sounds like there may be another woman you are unaware of. Think about it, you said everything was going along nicely, seeing you only every second weekend or so, suddenly an event happens and he does not seem to have the kind of time he did???? Maybe someone else is comforting him that he cannot so easily get away from.

As I said this is just my opinion and I am truly sorry if I am correct, I just cannot see it any other way from what you described.

*Hugs*

Mustang Dave · 03-07-2005, 08:50 AM

This may sound sexist but do what he ask's.

Men don't give hints like women do to get what they want they just tell it how it is (well I do anyway)

Dave

LuvinmyEB · 03-07-2005, 09:01 AM

Every one deals with grief differently, I was once in the same position that you are in now. He kept pushing me away, I let him have his own space so that he had time to think and grieve. Yes, we ended up breaking up, but by the time he had sorted himself out I had moved on with work and I had decided that I didn't really want to be in a relationship at the time.

At the time I didn't really realise that he needed to grieve privately because I'm not that type of person, I need people around me, especially those that I'm close too.

My advice to you is to wait, give him some time alone, let him think things through. Hang in there, as tough as it may seem, I'm sure that he'll realise that he'll want to hold onto what he loves most eventually.

Remember if you love something, set it free, if it was yours it will come back, if it doesn't it never was.

XRchic · 03-07-2005, 11:59 AM

I agree with Nikki. Everyone deals with grief differently and I dont think it is even a gender thing. Some girls like their space, some like the attention. Some blokes like their space, and some like the attention. It is about personality, more than gender, although I concede that our gender does influence our behaviour.

If your fella is the kind of guy who needs his space and he has asked for it, then it seems he is that kind of guy. He could also feel a little uncomfortable with sharing it all with you if you have only been seeing each other a short time. It might not even be about YOU, or even his desire to deal with his grief alone, but it could be just that he finds it hard to be involved in a new and evolving relationship AS WELL as dealing with the death of his father.

If you and him had been together longer, many issues between you sorted out, there was a strong relationship between you, where there could be some degree of relaxation because the hard, initial stuff is all done - he then might have included you in his grief as part of being a strong couple. However, a relationship in its beginning stages takes a fair bit of work and can be quite stressful, just on account of not knowing each other that well (not like when it is instinctive after a period of time), being uncertain about how the other one feels, not knowing how much you can rely on someone and things like that. The beginning stages are uncertain. Perhaps he just cant deal with all of that on top of dealing with his grief.

If you two had been together for ages, and SETTLED, it may have been very different. He might just need to put the new relationship issues ON HOLD for a little bit.

I would say, just give him some time. He knows where you are, he can call you when he is ready and if he doesnt, well as Nikki said, perhaps it was never meant to be. You will know. And in the meantime you can just get on with your life, as he would expect - and just see what happens.

I know you wanted a blokes perspective, so sorry about that, but then, blokes are not likely to know - hehe :P

Good luck.

Jac

b2tf · 03-07-2005, 12:48 PM

Does your username mean you are a MILF?

bindi · 03-07-2005, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by back2thefutura

Does your username mean you are a MILF?

Put your penis back where it belongs... in your trousers

:

: :evil_laug :evil_laug :evil_laug

Yummy Mummy · 03-07-2005, 08:51 AM

Thanks. I'm pretty sure there isnt.

He hasn't been home for a week, as his dad died in Sydney so he went up there, and then had to go to Adelaide to finalise a deal for the family business. He only got back to his place on Friday night.

I am really good friends with one of his mates, and he hasn't spoken to him all week either. I seem to be the person he has been contacting more than anyone, so that at least gives me some confidence.

I feel so selfish for thinking about our relationship when he is going through this crap.

Thanks for the hug

Yummy Mummy · 03-07-2005, 03:12 PM

My username is care of Casper. Was Mrs Kooky, but as that is no longer appropriate he felt it should be changed.

Thanks for your advice guys. I am definately giving him space. He has been contacting me all week, and his spirits are starting to get a bit better. He woke me at 6am this morning with an indian accent pretending to be a wake up call from Telstra....knob!!

He keeps telling me that everything seems so surreal and that I am the only thing that makes the world seem like a good place at the moment, so that gives me some hope. I have considered that as we haven't been seeing each other long, that he probably doesnt want me to see him at his worst time, but it is now getting to the point where he is considering his future, and as you said Jac, he probably can't deal with a new relationship on top of everything else.

Bad thing is, when it rains it pours, just when I am getting confused about him today, had 2 phonecalls from diff people asking me out tonight......why is life this hard???

Casper · 03-07-2005, 06:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yummy Mummy

My username is care of Casper. Was Mrs Kooky, but as that is no longer appropriate he felt it should be changed.

I suggested a change, I did not suggest the actual name!

b2tf · 03-07-2005, 08:49 PM

LOL, Im quite happily spoken for and have no interest Bindi! I was just curious hehehehehehehe.

RegSpec · 03-07-2005, 10:39 PM

I guess different people deal with it in different ways,
I was 35 when my dad was killed in an industrial accident and his best friend
came to my workplace and told me what had happened.
I then had to go home and tell my mum, she went completely to pieces,so did my sister,it was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do.
I then found out that I was the executor of his will and had to organise his funeral,sort out his affairs,go through all his stuff in the shed and at the same time support my mother and younger siblings and a whole host of other relatives and friends that seemed to come out of nowhere.
My point is that while all this was going on over the course of several weeks
I didnt realise that I had almost completely dissed my girl since I had so much on my mind and it seemed there was just so much that had to be done.
Sure, she was there to support in every way she could,and I was indeed lucky to have her. Debbie just seemed to understand.
From day one(when he was killed) I had not shown any emotion about it,
just felt I had to be there to help the family, especially mum, and one night several weeks later Deb and I were laying in bed and all of a sudden I just cracked up (mustve sobbed for ages) with her holding me, not knowing what to say.Next day things started to get back to normal and I know I felt so much better and a lot more positive about everything.
Dont know your friends personal situation but that was mine, sometimes
a traumatic event can send some one a bit distant from those they care about.
I realise its difficult but give him some time and I sure hope things work out for the best for both of you. :voldar02:

megsy · 03-07-2005, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvinmyEB

Remember if you love something, set it free, if it was yours it will come back, if it doesn't it never was.

so true

loxxr6 · 04-07-2005, 01:32 AM

Quote:

I realise its difficult but give him some time and I sure hope things work out for the best for both of you.

Sounds like the best advice to me.

If its meant to work out it will.

Yummy Mummy · 04-07-2005, 06:43 PM

Thanks for all of your advice guys, I really appreciate it.

Redebxr8, I think your situation was similar to the one here. He has an older brother and younger sister who are not capable of taking the reins of the family, and his mum is a complete mess, so he had to organise the funeral, go to Sydney (where his dad died) to organise things at that end, and is trying to hold everything together with the family business. His brother is a tradesman who doesn't understand the management side of things, and his sister is a home body. He has a management/marketing degree, so he is trying to use his experience to ensure his fathers hard work doesnt fall apart....and then he has his full time job which he returned to today.

He actually was quite good today, I am friends with his boss, and he said that he looked extremely drained and tired, and was quite distant from him as well. He is still planning on seeing me this weekend which is a good thing. I didn't have to mention it, he rang me to tell me that he would have to alter his plans over the weekend to do stuff with his family, but that he will definately catch up with me because it is one of his priorities.

I suppose just giving him the space is working. I haven't contacted him, and just let him come to me. He knows I am here for him, and has been ringing me when he needs to talk.

I wish I could do more for him, but I suppose what I am doing is enough for him.

Thankyou guys so much for your help. I'm sure without your advice I would have pushed him and completely blown it. He is a wonderful man, I just hate seeing him go through this.....sorry, got a bit girlie there.