Need some advice, particularly from female persuasion.

Van D · 10-07-2006, 09:05 PM

So yeah, my and my girlfriend went around to a friends place a couple nights ago with a few other friends to have a good time

:

All was well until one of my female friends had a few too many in the spa and tried to make something happen with my best mate (a couple weeks ago, she did something with this guy which broke her up with her boyfriend, my mate didn't even know and felt like crap the next day, she said she felt bad and would never do it again) even though he refused. Things actually got a bit pushy with my mate trying to get out, lol, and in the end the girl just broke down and started going into hysterics etc.

Later that night after looking after her (been spewed on sucks) finally got her to calm down and sleep..

Now, here's where it gets tricky. The next morning, my girlfriend left early to go to work. This other female friend comes over later (around 11.30am) and jumps under the doonah (slept on the foor, timber floors suck).. starts saying she's confused and asking why the other guy didn't kiss her last night, yada yada. We'd allready told her it was because he didn't want to, and because of other things that happened last time etc.. But she didn't seem to except it. Starts crying, so I put my arm around her.. Then then snuggles into my shoulder, and after a little while starts to kiss it, i think wtf and put her on her back again and try ignore it/talk about something else.. She keeps looking at me, then started to kiss me. I pulled away and said something along the lines of 'don't do that'.. She put her head down, but tried a couple more times, I kept pulling away and told her I can't etc and that she shouldn't either..
She gets a little annoyed, then after a little while asks for me (quite simply) to kiss her, then why won't I kiss her? I say I can't etc again. She then asks if I wasn't going out with my girlfriend if I would, I say I don't think so as she's got other things to sort out (ie, my mate, and her boyfriend that are still trying to sort things out). She tried kissing me again, and kinda made contact before I pulled away and said that I was trying to help her, and that if she just wants to do that, then i'm leaving. So I got up, put on my clothes and left to go see the others.

Now.. My questions..

Even though she ask that I leave it later on, should I tell my girlfriend? I kinda feel bad not telling her, as I try to be as honest as possible with everything.. Or will it just complicate things with everyone far too much?

My friend later said she was still drunk, even though she stopped at around 2am and didn't drink much.. She also come out to all us others around 5-10 mins later and acted fine.. Should I beleive her (she does do some stupid things when drunk)?.. On that note, others noticed she was trying to get a bit too close to me during the night, even though I was pulling away/trying to stay away.

If I tell my girlfriend, do I tell her all of it (that's why I bothered explaining it in detail) or just tell her the basic jist?

Should I talk to me female friend about it, or leave it with her?

I've been kinda depressed last couple days, which doesn't help, because of some crap stuff, and this on my mind doesn't help either. Also doesn't help that I missed a power pole today after my car cut out around a corner and I lost steering/most brakes and missed it by about half a metre.

So yeah, some help clearing the mind would be nice. Especially from females and how they'd react if they're b/f told them that.. as I don't want to stir the **** pot.

Thanks.

mutanti · 10-07-2006, 09:36 PM

DAmmed if you do and dammed if you dont......

I was honest to my EX about a Pretty lady that asked me for sex after I finished DJING her best friends party one night. but i declined, the next day I told my ex and she was ****ty for the next week cos I told her.
yet if she had found out that some chick was hitting onme then she would have still been ****ty..
I would go with the Dammed if you do but in only very minor detail... as it would only make matters worse....

fiery · 10-07-2006, 09:49 PM

popinfresh it really depends on the maturity of your girlfriend to begin with.
Yes she is going to be peeved and upset (but not necessarily with you) and she is more than likely to lash out a bit if you tell her and be totally honest.

But I can almost guarantee that she will be far more livid and blood thirsty if she finds out from someone else. And don't ever think that won't happen, it can and more than likely will. The girl you described sounds a bit like a loose canon.

Be honest but make sure to tell your girlfriend calmly but tell her how upset and offended you felt and that you felt this friend betrayed your friendship.

If you want the heat not to be directed towards you then you need to be really really careful in the way you do this... If you seem like you are defending the friends actions, say goodbye to any chance of things being reasonable.

Then let your girlfriend fly off the handle (if that is likely) and show that it upsets you this happened. If she wishes to confront the friend, let her.. don't try to stop her. Otherwise you will lose not only a friend (which seems like she should be lost anyway) but you will lose your relationship..

Tell her and be honest is the short version

oh and Good Luck

RegSpec · 10-07-2006, 09:44 PM

Hi.

This is Blue BA XR8's daughter, I'm 22.
My old man asked me to have a look at this and I decided to chuck in my two cent's worth.

It's hard to give you a definitive answer to your question with so many contributing factors unknown...
You went into some detail about the recent incident of concern to you but left out a lot of important things: I don't know how old you all are, how long you and your girl have been together, how mature you/your girl are (this often has less to do with actual age than is initially assumed), or the extent of your previous relationship with the "female friend" who is acting insecurely and resorting to pretty blatant attention seeking measures with a lot of the people around her.

All I can say in a general sense is if you trust your girl and you want her to trust you, tell her. The whole lot. It's bloody common sense. From what you've said this friend likes getting drunk, and drunk tongues loosen easily.

How would your girlfriend feel if she were to her this story second or third or fourth hand through all of your mutual friends?
Embarrassed now that all of your friends knew before her? Angry you didn't trust her enough to tell her yourself? Jealous and maybe suspicious of your reasons for not telling her yourself?
What do you have to lose by telling her?
All it is is a chance to prove your innocence, and genuine confusion and discomfort at the situation. Why don't you ask her advice on how to deal with this female friend?

On the other hand if your girlfriend is a psychotic b*tch who could quite possibly run off in tears and return with an axe with your name on it, perhaps you're right. You shouldn't tell her.
I suggest finding a new girlfriend.
And possibly leaving the state.
And changing your name.

:

Good luck.

J

Van D · 10-07-2006, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueBAXR8

Hi.

This is Blue BA XR8's daughter, I'm 22.
My old man asked me to have a look at this and I decided to chuck in my two cent's worth.

It's hard to give you a definitive answer to your question with so many contributing factors unknown...
You went into some detail about the recent incident of concern to you but left out a lot of important things: I don't know how old you all are, how long you and your girl have been together, how mature you/your girl are (this often has less to do with actual age than is initially assumed), or the extent of your previous relationship with the "female friend" who is acting insecurely and resorting to pretty blatant attention seeking measures with a lot of the people around her.

All I can say in a general sense is if you trust your girl and you want her to trust you, tell her. The whole lot. It's bloody common sense. From what you've said this friend likes getting drunk, and drunk tongues loosen easily.

How would your girlfriend feel if she were to her this story second or third or fourth hand through all of your mutual friends?
Embarrassed now that all of your friends knew before her? Angry you didn't trust her enough to tell her yourself? Jealous and maybe suspicious of your reasons for not telling her yourself?
What do you have to lose by telling her?
All it is is a chance to prove your innocence, and genuine confusion and discomfort at the situation. Why don't you ask her advice on how to deal with this female friend?

On the other hand if your girlfriend is a psychotic b*tch who could quite possibly run off in tears and return with an axe with your name on it, perhaps you're right. You shouldn't tell her.
I suggest finding a new girlfriend.
And possibly leaving the state.
And changing your name.

:

Good luck.

J

Ha, that last paragraph made me smile.

She's very mature (we're both 18, i'd like to think i'm mature for my age as well) and have been going out for 2 years now.. The only thing i'm worried about is she does get worried/doesn't trust other girls around me as people (including my girlfriend) seem to think I attract quite a few of the opposite sex.. Though I honestly don't know why.. So i'm kind of worried if I tell her, it'll feed that mistrust with others, ya know?

P.S. Thanks for taking the time to respond even though it's your old mans account, thank him too!

Mutanti & fiery.. Thanks for the advice guys. That's what I pretty much figured/was worried about as well.. That if she finds out from someone else (though it was only me and her in the room, i've only told a couple mates for advice.. But they're probably not the best advice givers.. musicians, ya know? =P ) that she will be more upset or get other ideas which I have no intentions of..

So the consenses (sp?) is to tell her though maybe generalise it a bit?

stera · 10-07-2006, 10:10 PM

If the roles were reversed?

How would u feel if she came to you and told you she kissed your BEST friend... Then followed it up with a ... But I pushed him away and it didnt mean anything...

haha... Its tricky, rock a rock... Run DMC !!

Van D · 10-07-2006, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stera

If the roles were reversed?

How would u feel if she came to you and told you she kissed your BEST friend... Then followed it up with a ... But I pushed him away and it didnt mean anything...

haha... Its tricky, rock a rock... Run DMC !!

I see your point, but that would be a little different.. Because I didn't kiss her, she kissed me.. As soon as I realised what she was doing then I was like

:

MITCHAY · 10-07-2006, 10:44 PM

She will probably be angry either way but these things have a tendency to come out some how and bite you in the butt. You see if you tell her up front then you haven't lied and it can't be turned against you. But if you leave it then this chick can make it sound as if it was more than what it was if they are whipped on you. Chicks talk man, and the story that comes out sometimes ain't even the half-truth.

eb2fairmont · 10-07-2006, 09:55 PM

Yes you're mad if you don't

Kryton · 10-07-2006, 10:43 PM

just tell your GF. explain to her how it all happened and that you didnt ask/want it to. if she gets all shirty about it then thats her problem. you are being honest and are not trying to hide anything from her. she should respect that more than anything.
i think she would rather hear it from you than hear some beefed up story from someone else about you cheating on her. (which is very possible on the rumor mill and the "im p#$^&d off-im going to destroy you" attitude when this girl that was drunk doesnt like you anymore).

Scott · 10-07-2006, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by popinfresh

The next morning, my girlfriend left early to go to work.

This other female friend comes over later (around 11.30am) and jumps under the doonah

Then then snuggles into my shoulder, and after a little while starts to kiss it

She keeps looking at me, then started to kiss me.

She put her head down, but tried a couple more times

She tried kissing me again, and kinda made contact before I pulled away

I'd say your missus would have every right to kick you out.

Van D · 10-07-2006, 10:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GMH8TR

I'd say your missus would have every right to kick you out.

Why, because she tried to kiss me? I am close to this other girl.. So jumping under a doonah or comforting her is nothing new.. She's been through a lot that i've helped her out with (ie, depression/family) which my girlfriend knows all about, she's even there most of the time to talk as well, as she's been through a lot of similar things.

Scott · 10-07-2006, 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by popinfresh

Why, because she tried to kiss me?

No, because you let her try it on 5 times before you so galantly got out of the bed.

Van D · 10-07-2006, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GMH8TR

No, because you let her try it on 5 times before you so galantly got out of the bed.

Never had a friend with bad depression have you?

The smartest thing is definently NOT to just leave them alone in a room after something like that, especially considering other events during the past couple weeks involving similar things and they've been saying how stupid they are/how much they hate themselves. She said sorry after she realised and after she stopped crying that's when I left.. I wouldn't have left before that when she was angry/upset or in a similar mood.. Not very clever IMO.

Bucket · 11-07-2006, 01:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by popinfresh

Never had a friend with bad depression have you?

The smartest thing is definently NOT to just leave them alone in a room after something like that, especially considering other events during the past couple weeks involving similar things and they've been saying how stupid they are/how much they hate themselves. She said sorry after she realised and after she stopped crying that's when I left.. I wouldn't have left before that when she was angry/upset or in a similar mood.. Not very clever IMO.

Mate, tell her...you've got two years of history, i'm guessing you've had your up's and downs.
My ex girlfriend had a depressed friend that caused some trouble for us...I know what your going through (Sensitivity wise)
I would tell her mate...
Prime reason...if she gets into a mood and decided she wants to see you and your girlfriend broken up...all she has to say to her is that she jumped in to bed with you yadda yadda yadda and the rest is history...or your history...

Tell her.

Doogstar · 10-07-2006, 11:32 PM

Tough one... If you tell your girlfriend, two things can happen, it may fuel her (justified) fears, or it will calm them. If you don't tell her, she may hear it secondhand, which is much worse.

You shouldn't have got yourself into that situation in the first place, you should have hopped up straight away and said "let's go have a coffee", especially after how she was acting the night before.

Obviously, your "friend" is feeling pretty low at the moment and is looking for some attention after breaking up with her boyfriend, but her behaviour is not on. I would suggest you break ties with your "friend", no matter what you decide.

This will be a big test of your relationship.

Oh...and better luck with your next girlfriend. (just kidding)

Van D · 10-07-2006, 11:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doogstar

You shouldn't have got yourself into that situation in the first place, you should have hopped up straight away and said "let's go have a coffee", especially after how she was acting the night before.

This will be a big test of your relationship.

Oh...and better luck with your next girlfriend. (just kidding)

That's what I thought as soon as I got up.. But I was too stupid to realise, then I didn't want to just leave for reasons mentioned above.

And

: to your last comment.. I've got too much money saved away towards our Europe holiday for that!!

iCat · 10-07-2006, 11:10 PM

Tell your girlfriend this bird tried to crack on to you, you were horrified, you knocked her back, and you are NOT seeing her again (no matter how good friends you two are).

**Falcon Coupe** · 10-07-2006, 11:16 PM

Stop watching the O.C, it's bad M'kayyyy.

Van D · 10-07-2006, 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Falcon Coupe

Stop watching the O.C, it's bad M'kayyyy.

Ergh, hate that show :togo:

10-07-2006, 11:28 PM

hmmm

tell her the short details, highlight that she cracked onto you and you pushed away

by the sounds of ur story, you are far from being in the wrong...

how long have you known this chick for? maybe shes wanted you for so long :P, But definitely dont hide it from ur gf, it'd be worse off than not tellin her at all!, she'll feel betrayed, and wont trust you!
When she asks for full details, start rolling it all out, but just keep it short at first...
(im sorry, but im 99% sure, shes gunna ask you for full details)
but, if she does go skitzo...... do remind her that you didnt have to tell her anything at all!
And tell her that u base ur relationship on trust, and that you told her because you are meant to...
Ask her how she wud feel if you hadnt told her...
you play mind games if she gets ****ty....... you reverse it on her, it makes her think more ;)

GO FOR GOLD MATEY!

10-07-2006, 11:51 PM

hahahaa doogstar does have a point there......... ur on the ball there, thinkin ahead

EFFalcon · 11-07-2006, 12:44 AM

deffinately be honest, its not that bigger deal.
being upfront generally gets you off to a good start.
nothing worse then something coming back and biting you in the ****.

gottafocus · 11-07-2006, 04:54 AM

go for it! have the 2 of them it will be fun for a while until you get caught. variety is the spice of life and you are only young once!

Joes_meat · 11-07-2006, 03:47 PM

Just show her this thread.

11-07-2006, 07:38 PM

GOOD THINKIN !! show her the thread ;) THATS THE WAY! THEN SHE WILL SEE ALOT OF PEOPLES OPINIONS!

Doogstar · 11-07-2006, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chanbags

GOOD THINKIN !! show her the thread ;) THATS THE WAY! THEN SHE WILL SEE ALOT OF PEOPLES OPINIONS!

DO NOT show her this thread, she may not like the fact that you have been telling your story to complete strangers.

Van D · 13-07-2006, 02:44 PM

lol, as if I would have =P the only reason I asked here is I didn't want to tell/ask people I know and have it blow out into a bigger thing..

I told her a couple nights a go. She was a bit quite to start with, but took it allright. She was glad I was honest etc and didn't hold anything against me, which was a relief.

She's upset/angry at the other girl as you can imagine, which may make things a little awkward when she see's her, but what can you do?

XRchic · 13-07-2006, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by popinfresh

I told her a couple nights a go. She was a bit quite to start with, but took it allright. She was glad I was honest etc and didn't hold anything against me, which was a relief.

You did the right thing mate. However, dont expect it to be over because your girlfriend accepts it now (or appears to). The issue will probably rear its ugly head again at some point in the future. These things always do. Im not trying to sound negative, but thats just the reality of it. It might not be too bad but just dont be surprised when the issue comes up again, when there is a discussion or a debate about trust or other women or whatever.

You DID do the right thing though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by popinfresh

She's upset/angry at the other girl as you can imagine, which may make things a little awkward when she see's her, but what can you do?

Well lets hope they can stay apart. Them seeing each other is NEVER going to be a good thing for anyone. That issue is unresolvable (ie, it cant go back to the way it was before, regardless of your girlfriend ever forgiving her or not) so the best thing is for them to never see each other.

Your girlfriend MAY understand what drove the girl to do that in the beginning but depression is not an EXCUSE for it, its a REASON. People with depression can still think about consequences and understand what they are doing. They just see some thing with an altered perspective I guess.

Looking for affection/attention/reassurance is quite common with depressed people and often it can be misdirected and misguided. The worst thing you could have done was to validate her mixed up thoughts and let her get into bed with you. Im NOT saying you should not have helped her, Im just saying that letting her do that was NOT helping her as you thought it might. It has probably just confused her more. You would have been better off helping her by taking her out somewhere and having a talk, or just doing something with her which she enjoys but which is not personal. They key is to NOT GET PERSONAL.

Anyways, you probably werent to know and you did your best and you were probably confused too. Hopefully in time your girlfriend will understand a little more and hopefully it all doesnt bite you on the bum at some later stage.

Good luck mate

Jac

Van D · 13-07-2006, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XRchic

Your girlfriend MAY understand what drove the girl to do that in the beginning but depression is not an EXCUSE for it, its a REASON. People with depression can still think about consequences and understand what they are doing. They just see some thing with an altered perspective I guess.

Looking for affection/attention/reassurance is quite common with depressed people and often it can be misdirected and misguided. The worst thing you could have done was to validate her mixed up thoughts and let her get into bed with you. Im NOT saying you should not have helped her, Im just saying that letting her do that was NOT helping her as you thought it might. It has probably just confused her more. You would have been better off helping her by taking her out somewhere and having a talk, or just doing something with her which she enjoys but which is not personal. They key is to NOT GET PERSONAL.

Anyways, you probably werent to know and you did your best and you were probably confused too. Hopefully in time your girlfriend will understand a little more and hopefully it all doesnt bite you on the bum at some later stage.

Good luck mate

Jac

Yeah, I understand that. I have depression as well, lol. I think my girlfriend understood the whole 'bed' thing well enough, because it was really just a doonah on the floor, lol. I should have mentioned as well I suppose that the other girl had a seperate blanket wrapped around her, so it wasn't like intimate/close quaters sort of thing =) I know what you're saying though.