Your stars for today!

[bindi]

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will soon be surrounded by medical personnel saying things like "Tzaarp!" "Ka-Blishzzht!" and "Flazzort!" in an effort to describe the sound of your body hitting the high-tension lines.
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You will undergo an identity crisis when God claims that your name "just doesn’t sound right" and changes it.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You will suddenly find yourself in mid-November with a sign reading, "Six Months Later..." floating over your head.
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Beware: Charlatans will try to pass off a bunch of vague generalizations as predictions of your future. Don’t trust them.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You will soon receive a big fat cashier’s check. Of course, this happens every two weeks, as you are a big fat cashier.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You always thought choosing the right robot would be an easy task... until the task fell to you.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Frankly, the stars don’t understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it’s tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
A drunken run-in with an angry northwoods lumberjack ends in your being mortally wounded by his scathing put-downs and acid wit.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Today is not, in fact, the first day of the rest of your life. That was a few weeks ago. Today is Thursday.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
The planet Uranus rises in your sign and wants to know what you find so damn funny about the name Uranus.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The stars thank you for your submission, but, regrettably, they have no need for your "Pisces Is Nisces!" slogan at this time.