Curry contest (Joke, couldn't resist posting!!)

[Poetic Justice]

For all those lovers of hot food out there.

This is really funny.



Natal Curry Contest.

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there is no hope
for you.


I was crying by the end.



Note: please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They
actually have a curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
from America.



Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Natal
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted'.



Here are the scorecard notes from the event.





CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY Judge 1 -- A little too
heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY
Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY Judge 1 --
Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all
the beer.

CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY Judge 1 -- Black bean curry
with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?

CURRY 5 - LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off.
It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
Scr*w them.

CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe
my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream.

CURRY 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY Judge 1 -- A mediocre
curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway.
If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.

CURRY 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY Judge 1 -- The perfect ending.
This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.

Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor
hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot curry?

Judge 3 - No Report

[5L]

lol that was a ****er

[ten[A]cio[U]s]

"Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream."

Thats where i lost it hahaha. That was funny as.

[blueoval]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Im LMAO while Im typing. GOLD!!!! :

[ch33z1l]

smiled uncontrollably at that one

[stiddy]

Hahahaha still laughing, gold!!! LMAO..

[Rob]

hehe the end was good

[DJM83]

hahahaha thats a pi$$a

[Road Games]

Top Effort

[leadfoot]

Classic!! I had some of the same reactions when when I first met my Thai wife & she introduced me to Thai food which is a lot of chillis & curries.
She & her mates would be laughing their a***s off while I would be running around looking for something to put out the fire.
Doesn't take long to get used to it but - now Western food seems plain!

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by leadfoot

Classic!! I had some of the same reactions when when I first met my Thai wife & she introduced me to Thai food which is a lot of chillis & curries.
She & her mates would be laughing their a***s off while I would be running around looking for something to put out the fire.
Doesn't take long to get used to it but - now Western food seems plain!

Im Thai born myself but brought up in australia, and Im still not used to the spices and chilli's of the food from my original home land. Dont feel too bad mate, your amongst good company. ;)

[StAndArdAU]

hilarious classic!!

[LOCO XP]

That's very clever. I would strongly advise Frank to avoid my chilli sauce lovingly named "El Viage Misterioso de Nuestro Ranchero" (the mysterious journey of Loco XP).... As a true spicy food and chilli fanatic, I have been looking to push the boundaries for some time now. So through a friend of a friend I tracked down some seeds from an insane asylum in Guatemala, which once planted turned out to be a genetically engineered Habanero chilli (pictured below, bright orange)



So with my ever prosperous supply of Guatemalan insanity peppers, along with a handful of Jalapenos (just as filler, seriously, not even a quarter as intense in heat) and some African Bird's Eye chillis, using my wooden spoon (which legend claims was carved from a bigger spoon) I set upon creating my cullinary masterpiece. Sure there were other ingredients (onion, garlic, sugar, salt, vinegar, herbs and citrus juices) (as above), but the chilli content is still at a hefty 85% or more PURE HELLFIRE HATRED, with a subtle, delicate (and pointless) sweetness and aroma..... So after a couple of beers, to reward myself for my efforts, I decided to break out the cheese, crackers and "El Viage Misterioso de Nuestro Ranchero".....

The following is what I recall:

No sooner had I tried my biochemical sauce and said to myself "Man this is crazy, I hope I didn't brain my damage" I was having conversations with a space coyote with the voice of Johnny Cash about finding my soulmate...... Anyway, after I came back from my psychotropic adventure, and being accused of getting drunk, to which I replied "Oh honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world".... I decided to patent my tasty HOT sauce, of which yielded a measly 300g.....but which will last many months.

[blueoval]

you certainly live up to your name dude. Pics of you before and after you consume this 'salsa from satan' would be greatly amusing.

[Fev]

good thing i dont like spicy foods!!! but man that story was hilarious, wish i read it earlier!!

[BFYOOT]

hahahaha funniest thing ive read in ages.................

[leadfoot]

[QUOTE=LOCO XP

No sooner had I tried my biochemical sauce and said to myself "Man this is crazy, I hope I didn't brain my damage" I was having conversations with a space coyote with the voice of Johnny Cash about finding my soulmate...... Anyway, after I came back from my psychotropic adventure, and being accused of getting drunk, to which I replied "Oh honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world".... I decided to patent my tasty HOT sauce, of which yielded a measly 300g.....but which will last many months.[/QUOTE]

You & Homer Simpson have a lot in common