friday funnies

[Dodge]

A Little Flab

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to
his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we
could get rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of
your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed
him by his "weenie". With a death grip in place, she said,
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the
postman, the pool man, and your brother."

[FordFan86]

HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAAAHAH he got what he deserved

[Dodge]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[Dodge]

Bubba and Earl, two rednecks from Kentucky, were in a local Wal-Mart they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"

Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to using paper

[Dodge]

Cardiologist Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
funeral. A Huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket
during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
casketrolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the
Beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the
mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
sorry, I was justthinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

[Psycho Chicken]

There's more to that one. After the gynecologist says that, someone at the back of the room screams then faints. His missus tells everyone he is a proctocologist (sp?).